Oh man, your life is MESSED UP right now.

Not that anyone asked us. But they can officially start.

Send Jilly your questions by filling out the form at the bottom of this post or right here, and she’ll send you a piece of her mind.

Because during those troubled times, it’s always important to ask yourself: What WOULD Jilly do?

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I have a friend who lives halfway across the country, so I don’t get to see her very often. In the past, whenever she’s come to town, I’ve gladly offered that she stay with me, and spent as much time as possible while she’s here painting the town with her.

The problem is she’s really cheap. She never offers to pick up a bill, never goes out and grabs a few token groceries (even though she’s happy to eat through mine), never even brings her own bath products (which wouldn’t bother me if she weren’t so stingy with the other stuff). She just told me she’ll be in town in a couple months, and this time she’s bringing her boyfriend, who’s even cheaper. I can tell from the way she’s talking about the visit that she’s just assuming she’ll stay at my place, but frankly I’m fed up with picking up checks, and tons of extra food “because I’m so happy to see her” and getting nothing in return. How do I get out of always playing the too-generous hostess?

-Welcoming You With Open Wallets

If this were a different sort of advice column I’d remind you gently (read: patronizingly) that you are getting something in return: her friendship.

Shouldn’t you value that enough that all the monetary value—a plebeian thing to worry about—gets swept aside?

But this isn’t that advice column, and I frankly disagree with people who try to pretend that money is no object when it comes to relationships.

Either those people are all saints, or they’re all just so rich that money really isn’t an object to them, in which case, stop trying to tell the other half how to live.

The reason money matters in any relationship is that it implies something more.

No, affection doesn’t have a dollar value—and we’ve all been in a situation where someone uses so-called “generosity” as an excuse to act like a dick, or treat you like a peon, or something-else-shitty, proving that just picking up the bill doesn’t make you a better, or more loving/lovable, person—but unless you are one of those people who have money in endless supply, the gesture of picking up a tab, or a nice bottle of wine, or even just a dozen eggs for breakfast, says “I want you to know I value you.”

I’ve always been taught that if you’re imposing on someone’s generosity of space and time (i.e., living in her house for a few days), the least you should do is pay for one meal out and leave a bottle of wine or a six pack when you go. Of course the cost of the meal and the bottle can vary hugely depending on your circumstances; if your friend were making significantly less than you, I would think that picking up bagels and cream cheese and leaving you a $10 rosé would be sufficient.

But the point isn’t actually how much is spent, it’s about saying to the host that you care enough to acknowledge her that way. And let me reiterate: that’s the least you should do.

So what do you do? Tell your friend that you love her, and really want to see her, but that you’re getting the floors refinished that weekend and just can’t play host (feel free to insert whatever excuse you want, as long as it leaves you physically in town, but unable to give up your apartment). Then when you go out to dinner, focus on the things you do like about her, not the unfortunately-pervasive thing you don’t.

Last piece of advice: ask for separate checks up front.

One of my friends is always looking on the dark side: if you ask how she’s doing, she’s tired or overworked, if you try to commiserate about something that’s a little shitty, she has to tell you why it’s even shittier than you’re thinking, etc. etc. I really like her, but it’s annoying how often she bitches about either nothing in particular, or something that everyone else has to deal with, too. How do I tell her to shut up without pissing her off?

- Alone On The Sunny Side

Face facts: as a species, we really love griping. How much time do you spend vividly reliving the horror of the sweaty person on the bus who sat basically on you, then farted continually until his stop? And how much talking about a perfect sunset?

At least for me, those scales rarely balance.

But there’s a line between “funny bitching” and “tedious whining”; when people cross it, you have just two options:

1: Ignore the griping and try to change the subject.

2: Smile broadly and say “well, if that’s the worst thing that happens to you today, count yourself lucky” (or “white people problems,” or “I walked here uphill both ways, too,” depending on how snarky you feel). Then change the subject.